Forgiveness is something we are familiar with yet sometimes it is difficult to do. Learning how to forgive the unforgivable stretches us and helps us deepen our compassion for others and ourselves. Here are the seven steps you can use to be able to forgive the unforgivable at last.
How do welet go?
A client asked me the other day if Icould help her forgive the unforgivable. She was clearly wrestling with angstabout what happened. She felt the torment of a past injustice and wanted to letit go and move forward without its burden. She was willing to forgive, but shewas still holding onto her frustration and wanted to be free of the wholesituation.
What do you do when you experiencesomething that you just feel is unforgivable? You experience an injustice soabhorrent that you feel there is no recourse and no coming back from the incident.Where does forgiveness fit into this knotty situation? Can we ever forgive, oris it a hopeless pursuit?
Here are seven steps you can take tohelp you forgive the unforgivable:
Step 1 – Forgiveness begins with self-reflection and self-honesty
Let’s start right where you are. Youhave had an experience that is shocking and unconscionable. You have drawn ared line as it were, and this experience is far beyond your limit of decency.Let’s get clear. You have decided where that red line is and what is on eitherside of it. You have made this meaning about the situation. The first step inbeginning the inquiry to forgiveness is in identifying and understanding yourstandards. By pinpointing your beliefs and the limits you place on them, youcan clearly see where you stand on this unpardonable act.
Then look at how strongly you holdto these principles. What is your commitment to the beliefs that you carryabout the incident? Are you determined to stand fast to your position, or isthere room for a softening in your stance?
Step 2 – Take responsibility
The next step to understand that youhold the energy of your reaction to the incident. You are responsible forcarrying the energy you have around this issue. Previously, you may not havebeen aware of this, but now you can see it for what it is. There is no judgmenthere, just an awareness of the dynamic at play. In considering forgiveness, youcan then ask yourself if you are ready to release this energy, or if you preferto carry it. In some instances, it may serve you in the moment to hold theinjustice you feel about what happened. In that holding, do you notice thetension you are experiencing in your body when you think about the unforgivableincident? You might even notice that you have difficulty relaxing whenever youthink about the situation. Do you want to lighten the load, or is it servingyou in some way to carry it? Do you feel a sense of attachment to it? The pointhere is to be clear and conscious about your posture, whatever it is. There isa certain quiet inner knowing and acknowledgment when you admit honestly toyourself what you are up to. Make sure you have self-compassion for whateveryou discover in this self-reflection, no matter where you are in the process.
Step 3 – Further your self-assessment
What are you getting out of notforgiving? In the long run, is it giving you the life you want? The short-termexperience is a false form of power, but it is certainly a potent one. The egois filled with the energy of being righteous. You may feel a sense of “I feel this,and I have a right to a righteously indignant”. You don’t want to forgive. Areyou willing to let go? Again, there is no judgment here about what yourposition is, just an understanding of it. Allow yourself to be where you areand continue doing the work of moving through this experience. Is it adding toyour life force or pulling you down? Further, you may feel that in this momentyou are not ready to even consider forgiving. That’s fine, of course, so longas you are clear and honest with yourself.
Step 4 – Ancestral Clearing
Consider bringing Ancestral Clearinginto the mix. Ancestral Clearing is a powerful practice to help us releasethings we carry from the past and that we may have carried for generations. Itwas a total game-changer for me. This modality helped me release so many layersbuilt up from the past, including the toxic resentment I held onto about theunforgivable in my life. It was so powerful and so healing that I became anAncestral Clearing Practitioner in order to help others with this process.
Step 5 – It’s your choice, and your process – don’t judgethe moment
Be at ease with where you stand onthe issue in the present moment. If you are angry at the person who committedthe unforgivable act you, then recognize your anger. Accept that this is whatyou are experiencing. If you resist how you feel, perhaps judging yourself forbeing angry, or wishing you weren’t angry, you will suffer. If you are judgingyourself for not being able to find forgiveness, try and just accept that youhaven’t found it yet. Recognize that you are resisting. Are you willing to stayhere in suffering or are you willing to explore an alternative, such as lettinggo of your resistance to letting go of the unforgivable act? Let go ofself-abasem*nt and self-judgment.
We experience something we feel isunforgivable. We bear the hardship of our unforgivable experience as part ofour identity. We feel victimized and powerless over what happened. We take backour power when we realize that the only power we truly have is the choice toforgive.
Step 6 – Forgive yourself
No matter how much you might want tofind forgiveness for what happened, you might find you just cannot find itwithin yourself to do forgive. It may even feel like you have a hidden“forgive” switch inside that you just can’t locate. You may notice a sense ofsolid, stalwart, unbending presence inside yourself. Forgive yourself for notbeing able to let go: “I forgive myself for not forgiving the other”. Until youcan find acceptance with how you feel about what happened, you will suffer.
Step 7 – Find willingness and compassion
Willingness is the push that givesus the momentum to forgive. It is a choice. Sometimes willingness is all theforce we need to let go of our resentment. Sometimes you may find that it is aprocess. The righteous indignation that we feel is our ego hanging on andmaking judgments about what happened. When you can recognize the ego and itsattachment here, you may find yourself more easily to move to a neutralposition, and so come one step closer to forgiveness. Whereas you cannotcondone what happened, you can have compassion and forgive the person who tookthe action, realizing how tortured they were and how much they were suffering.Forgiveness is releasing the feeling of anger toward someone who has wrongedyou.
The distance from the unforgivableto forgiveness can seem daunting and perhaps even impossible viewed in themoment. As we accept our present experience and leave open the possibility thatsomething else may be possible in the next moment, we begin the journey tochange. After hanging onto a piece of the past for so long, and finally beingable to let it go, we find contentment at last in forgiveness.
– Elizabeth
If you struggle with forgiveness, release yourself from your source of suffering with This is a simple, effective and profound process to help you release the pressure of resentment you feel. It helps you shift and uplift your energy, heal past pains, dissolve self-destructive negative thought patterns, and help you find peace. This practice is easy to follow.
