Sancho and Bolsa - The Full Story (2024)

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Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 1 BOLSA: The photograph has no head. BILLY JO: What are you saying? BOLSA: The photograph has no head. Which word do you not understand, photograph or head? BILLY JO: I understand the words, but I don't understand you. BOLSA: Look, the photograph has no head. How do I find a man when he has no head? BILLY JO: He has a head. BOLSA: Fine. He has a head. How do I find a man when he has no face? BILLY JO: He has a face. BOLSA: Fine. How do I find a man when I don't know what he looks like? BILLY JO: You do know what he looks like. There's a picture right in front of you. I don't think you are a very good detective at all. In fact, you are the worst detective I have ever met. You think that a man can walk around without a head or a face. Some detective. BOLSA: I am the best detective in all of Latin America. BILLY JO: This isn't Latin America. BOLSA: I know. I know. This is the United States. Look, I think maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Let's try again. What can you tell me about this man? BILLY JO: He lives not too far from here with his mother. His name is William Morningstar. He is 35 years old. He has black hair, blue eyes, and he's bald. But he's been missing for three weeks. BOLSA: How can he have black hair and be bald? BILLY JO: Maybe he has red hair or blonde hair. I'm not sure. BOLSA: But if he has hair, he's not bald. BILLY JO: Well, he has hair, but not very much hair. He's mostly bald. BOLSA: Anything else? Tall or short? Good looking or ugly? Fat or skinny? BILLY JO: You are the worst detective ever. Look at the picture. Does he look fat? BOLSA: OK. OK. OK. How much? BILLY JO: How much for what? BOLSA: How much money will you pay? BILLY JO: How much money will I pay for what? BOLSA: How much money will you pay me to find this man? BILLY JO: Three thousand dollars. BOLSA: Fine. Fine. I'll take the case. I'll call you when I find out anything. See you later. BILLY JO: Thank you. And please don't forget the photograph. BOLSA: Oh, the photograph. Great. Thanks again. BILLY JO: You're welcome. Latin America's greatest detective. Humph.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 2 BOLSA: OK. Now to drive back to the hotel, grab Sancho and get started on this job. I'd better call him on my cell phone and tell him to get ready. OPERATOR: Hello, Hotel Peach and Beach, we're within your reach, This is Katherine. How may I help you? BOLSA: Hello. May I please have room 19784? OPERATOR: Excuse me, I'm sorry, was that room 19874? BOLSA: No, room 19784. OPERATOR: My apologies. Please hold while I connect you. SANCHO: Hello. This is Sancho. BOLSA: Hey, it's me. What's up? SANCHO: Nothing. Do we have a job? BOLSA: You bet we have a job. SANCHO: How is the client? BOLSA: The client is not walking all his dogs on the same leash. SANCHO: What? BOLSA: The lights are on but no one is home. SANCHO: What? BOLSA: He is crazy, but we need the money. SANCHO: Hurry up and get here. We have a big problem. BOLSA: What is it? SANCHO: Get here right away. I am really upset. BOLSA: I'll be right there. Hang on. Bye. SANCHO: Bye.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 3 SANCHO: Who is it? BOLSA: It's me. Open the door. SANCHO: Here they are. Our neighbors. I can't believe it. BOLSA: I'm going to kill you. Why me? Why me? I hire a seven-foot guy to be my assistant- -seven feet, as tall as a tree, 350 pounds, like a small car. I think, great! All my problems are over now. But no, I have to hire the world's only giant vegetarian animal-lover pacifist, who has never even been in a fight before. Great! SANCHO: It's not funny. You know it upsets me. BOLSA: I know. SANCHO: I had to kill eight spiders. Eight. It's terrible. I didn't mean to kill them. I tried to take them out in a paper cup. They're our neighbors, our friends, fellow creatures on... BOLSA: I don't care. Here's what I want you to do. Get the black case. Close the door. Let's go.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 4 SANCHO: What's this place? BOLSA: It's the man's house. This is where our missing man lives with his mom. We ask her some questions, we find our man, we get our money. Case closed. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Hello. Who is it? BOLSA: It's Francisco Ricardo Herrera de Silva. I'm a detective. I was sent by Mr. Billy Jo Jim Bob Christopherson. I'm here to help you find your son. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: I can see you through the peep hole in the door. Who is the ox with you? BOLSA: That's my partner Sancho. He's harmless. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: He doesn't look harmless. He looks like big foot with a hair cut. Is he hungry? BOLSA: Mrs. Morningstar, may we please come in? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: I'm just saying, I'm a widow, living alone. Come to the window. BOLSA: What? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Come to the window. I'll open it and we can talk. BOLSA: Fine. SANCHO: Hello Mrs. Morningstar. I'm so pleased to meet you. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Why, you want to eat me? SANCHO: No. I'm a vegetarian. You just seem like a very nice lady. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Look jumbo, William is missing, my sink is leaking, my toilet is backed up, my oven is filthy, I need a new roof and I have breakfast on the table. Why are you wasting my time? You're a detective. Go and detect, Mr. Jose Feliciano Enrique Iglesias. BOLSA: It's Francisco Ricardo Herrera de Silva. But you can just call me Bolsa. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Bolsa. What does that mean? BOLSA: It means purse or bag. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: You're a detective named purse. Great. Well Mr. Purse, you are standing on my lawn and touching my favorite pink curtains. BOLSA: Sorry. I just need to ask you a few questions about your son and then we can leave you alone. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: I don't have a son.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 5 SANCHO: If you don't have a son, who is William? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: William is my nephew. He is the son of my brother and sister-in-law. SANCHO: So you are William's aunt, not his mother? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Yep. SANCHO: Could we talk to his mother, your sister-in-law? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Nope. Well, you can talk to her, but she won't answer you. SANCHO: Why not? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: She's dead. SANCHO: Can we talk to William's father? BOLSA: Sancho... Mrs. Morningstar, we are very sorry. We're sure that you loved your sister in-law a lot. We just want to help your family by finding William. Can we talk to your brother? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Nope. BOLSA: Why not? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: He's dead. BOLSA: I'm so sorry. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Don't be. My mother, my father, my grandmother, my grandfather and my brothers and sisters all loved my brother, but I hated him. BOLSA: Oh, but you didn't really hate him. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Now you're a psychologist? SANCHO: Where does William work? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Now, why don't you be more like Sabado Gigante over here and ask some real questions. William works at the White House. BOLSA: The White House? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Jumbo, you need to buy your partner a hearing aid. Yes, the white house!

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 6 BOLSA: The White House? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: No, not the White House. If he worked at the White House, we could afford to hire a real detective to find him. The white house is what we call his school. William worked at a school called the Martin Alexander Clark School of the Arts. BOLSA: Can you tell us how to get there? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Can you use the phone book? BOLSA: Please, Mrs. Morningstar, time is short. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: OK, it's 1379852604 Ocean Avenue. BOLSA: You can't be serious. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: No, I don't know the address, but it's at the corner of Ocean and Pine. BOLSA: Thank you Mrs. Morningstar. We'll let you know as soon as we find out anything. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: I won't hold my breath. You couldn't find a polar bear in a porta-potty. BOLSA: Good bye, Mrs. Morningstar. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: And next time use the phone, don't just come by whenever you feel like it. BOLSA: Lovely woman. SANCHO: Maybe William isn't really missing, maybe he just decided he didn't want to live with his aunt anymore. BOLSA: That reminds me of something my aunt Rosa used to say. SANCHO: Not another Aunt Rosa Story. BOLSA: She used to say, if you can't say something nice, then just hit them. SANCHO: Bolsa! BOLSA: Sorry. Just a little pacifist humor. SANCHO: OK, I've found it on the map. Turn right here, now drive past the first light, now turn left, now make a U-Turn at the intersection, now pull over right after the stop sign. That's it right on the right. Right there. BOLSA: Let me do the talking. SANCHO: Of course. I won't say a word.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 7 HENRIETTA: Hello. How are you? BOLSA: Fine. How are you? HENRIETTA: Fine, how can I help you two big, strong gentlemen? BOLSA: We are looking for Mr. William Morningstar. We are detectives helping to find him. HENRIETTA: Of course, come right in. HENRIETTA: Please sit down. HENRIETTA: Don't worry about it my dear. It was an old chair. Here, sit on the couch. Can I offer you gentlemen something to drink? SANCHO: Yes. BOLSA: No. HENRIETTA: Coffee? SANCHO: Yes. BOLSA: No. HENRIETTA: Tea? SANCHO: Yes. BOLSA: No. HENRIETTA: Soft drink? SANCHO: Yes. BOLSA: No. BOLSA: We don't want anything, thank you. What can you tell us about William? Do you remember when you last saw him? HENRIETTA: It was about three weeks ago. BOLSA: What does William do at the school? HENRIETTA: Not much. BOLSA: I mean, what was his job? HENRIETTA: He was the school chef. BOLSA: So the food wasn't good? HENRIETTA: No, the food was amazing. BOLSA: But William didn't clean up? HENRIETTA: No, the kitchen was always clean. BOLSA: I am confused. HENRIETTA: William's aunt cooked all the food. She would package it up for William and he would bring it here at lunch time, let the kids serve themselves and clean up after themselves, then he'd take a nap. BOLSA: Did you notice anything unusual about William? HENRIETTA: He snored. BOLSA: Pardon? HENRIETTA: He snored, the whole building heard him. He was lazy. He didn't like children. He had a bad hair cut. He was a vegetarian. SANCHO: He sounds very nice.

HENRIETTA: He drank our milk. He spilled the orange juice. He dropped the bread. He didn't wash the apples. He never ordered meat. He would write \"meat is mean\" on the chalkboard. He didn't empty the wastebaskets. He didn't sweep the floor. He let kids eat at their desks. He sat in his chair and wrote in a notebook and stared out the window. He chewed on pencils and swatted flies with a ruler. SANCHO: He swatted flies? What kind of cruel, unfeeling... BOLSA: Do you have any idea where he might be? HENRIETTA: As far away as possible, I hope. BOLSA: Yes, but can you think of anywhere? HENRIETTA: Yes I can. The cemetery.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 8 SANCHO: I don't like the cemetery. BOLSA: There's nothing to be afraid of. Don't be scared. SANCHO: I'm not scared, I just don't like it. Look, it's a very international cemetery. Here's a Canadian from Canada, a Spaniard from Spain, a German from Germany, an Italian from Italy... BOLSA: Stop looking at the gravestones. Do you think that will help us find William? Let's get to his parents' graves, maybe if we're lucky he'll be visiting them and the case will be over, just like that. SANCHO: What if he's not just visiting them, what if he's decided to move in? BOLSA: What are you talking about? SANCHO: What if William isn't missing because he's run away, what if he's missing because he is no longer a guest at the hotel of life? What if he had an early check-out? BOLSA: Would you like to join him? SANCHO: What's that supposed to mean? BOLSA: It means be quiet. Wait, I see someone. Act natural. SANCHO: Why? Why? Why did you have to die? WHY! AHHHHHHHH! BOLSA: I'm going to kill you. SANCHO: You said to act natural. What do you think that people do at the cemetary? The macarena? BOLSA: Look. Here comes the groundskeeper. I don't want to tell him that we are looking for William. Not yet. SANCHO: Why not? BOLSA: I want to look around without anyone knowing who we are. Pretend you want a job. SANCHO: What? BOLSA: You want a job. Get it? You want a job. If you are not convincing, you are really going to need a job. If I feel comfortable after a while, then I'll tell him what we want.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 9 GROUNDSKEEPER: Can I help you? BOLSA: My friend here wants to know if you are hiring. SANCHO: Yes, are you hiring? Do you have any openings? GROUNDSKEEPER: We're not hiring, but we have plenty of openings! Just a little graveyard humor. Yes, I am hiring a grave digger. You sure look strong enough to do the job. How old are you? SANCHO: I am 32 years old. GROUNDSKEEPER: What's your education? SANCHO: Excuse me? GROUNDSKEEPER: What's your education? A lot of people think that they can come in off the street and we'll hire them. I want to know what your education is. SANCHO: I graduated from high school in Mexico. I have two years of college. GROUNDSKEEPER: Too lazy to finish? SANCHO: I was expelled. GROUNDSKEEPER: You were expelled from college. What for? SANCHO: I set all the monkeys in the science lab free. GROUNDSKEEPER: Hmmm. Do you have any other skills? SANCHO: I am good with people, I am honest. I work hard. I am a peacemaker. GROUNDSKEEPER: Where have you worked before? Tell me about your previous experience. SANCHO: I worked two years as an English teacher in Mexico city. After that, I worked as a tow truck. GROUNDSKEEPER: What? You mean you drove a tow truck? SANCHO: No, I worked as a tow truck. For illegally parked motorcycles and bicycles. I'd pick them up and carry them on my back to the police station. BOLSA: His friend, Mr. Morningstar, thought this might be a good place to work. Do you know Mr. Morningstar? GROUNDSKEEPER: Never heard of him. Should I have? Is he dead? BOLSA: No. Just missing. He's been gone from home. His mom's worried sick about him. He used to hang out here a lot. GROUNDSKEEPER: What does he look like? BOLSA: I don't know. GROUNDSKEEPER: What? I thought he was your friend.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 10 BOLSA: I mean that he's hard to describe. He's a little bald, but he has hair. He's not short or tall, fat or skinny. SANCHO: We have a picture of him. Take a look. BOLSA: You idiot. GROUNDSKEEPER: The photograph has no head. BOLSA: I know. My friend is not a very good photographer. GROUNDSKEEPER: I think I might know this man. BOLSA: What? Really? GROUNDSKEEPER: I am careful. I watch. I look around. I see things. I know things. I think about things. I have a hobby. I make clothes. BOLSA: What? GROUNDSKEEPER: I make clothes. I make suits, mostly. I cut, I sew, I measure, I fit... BOLSA: You cut, you sew, you measure, and you fit dead people. GROUNDSKEEPER: Well, yes. But, no. BOLSA: What? GROUNDSKEEPER: Only some people are dead.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 11 SANCHO: What do you mean, only some people are dead? Do you bury people who are still alive? BOLSA: Sancho, be quiet. GROUNDSKEEPER: No, no. I make suits for the, em, clients here, but believe it or not, it's actually a rare occurrence. Mostly people want to be buried in a suit that they already have. I only make suits for people who have wasted away or otherwise don't fit any suits that they have. I don't tell the family that I make the suit, I just make it. Otherwise, I make suits for Bluebird Department Store. BOLSA: That's very interesting. We have to go now. Nice to meet you. GROUNDSKEEPER: Now wait one second. I usually mind my own business. I know the difference between my business and your business. But why do you want to find this man? Why is his business your business? BOLSA: His mother is looking for him. GROUNDSKEEPER: That's her business. But if he hangs around the cemetery, that's our business. SANCHO: You know, I'm looking for a nice suit...it's a little hard for me to find one that fits. Maybe you could make one for me. BOLSA: Shut up! BOLSA: Thank you very much, sir. Have a nice day. GROUNDSKEEPER: Well, thanks for stopping by. I don't get to chat that often with the customers. Good luck finding William. And give me a call, big fella, if you want that suit or a job. You can reach me at (205) 748-6391. SANCHO: Let me write that down, (205) 748-6391. Great. Bye. GROUNDSKEEPER: Bye. BOLSA: I can't believe you! I guess your brain is too busy figuring out how to move that titanic you call a body, and you have nothing left over for thinking! SANCHO: I was thinking. I am thinking. You are not thinking. You talk, you talked and talked back there, you are talking right now, you probably will be talking five minutes from now. You'll talk, but you won't listen. You don't listen. You aren't listening now. BOLSA: I don't understand a word you are saying. I don't listen to you, I didn't listen to you, I am not listening to you, and I will not be listening to you because you are an idiot! SANCHO: I am an idiot? Hello! How did that guy know that Morningstar's name is William? BOLSA: What are you saying? SANCHO: You told him we were looking for Mr. Morningstar. You never said William. But when we left, he said good luck finding William. How would he know William's name, unless he knows something? BOLSA: You were thinking. You are thinking. What was I thinking! You're right! What will we do? SANCHO: I don't know. I need to think. BOLSA: This is a change. SANCHO: Shhh...I'm thinking. I've got it.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 12 SANCHO: 1-(205) 748-6391. OK. GROUNDSKEEPER: Hello. SANCHO: Hello. This is Sancho. We met earlier at the cemetery. I was the tow truck. GROUNDSKEEPER: Of course. How are you? SANCHO: Fine. I need a suit. Can you sell me a suit? GROUNDSKEEPER: Of course. SANCHO: How much will it cost? GROUNDSKEEPER: Well, it depends. I have an old blue suit, ahem, slightly used, for $100. I have a black suit for $500. I have a new, red silk suit for $1,000. If you want, I can sell you three silk suits for $4,000. SANCHO: He must think I'm really stupid. Why would I pay $1,000 for one suit and $4,000 for three? SANCHO: OK. That sounds great. I want to buy three suits, but I have a little problem. My friend William owes me money. I need the money to pay for my suits. And I don't know where William is. It's too bad I don't know where he is. I'd sure... GROUNDSKEEPER: Well, well, I don't know exactly where William is, but there is a restaurant called The Purple Cow. He likes to go to the Purple Cow. SANCHO: The Purple Cow? Is it a type of steakhouse? GROUNDSKEEPER: No, it's normal. Well, not really normal. You'll see. SANCHO: Fine. Thank you very much. I will call you right away if we find William. GROUNDSKEEPER: Good-bye Jumbo. BOLSA: What did he say? SANCHO: He said that William likes to go to The Purple Cow. BOLSA: Is that an ice cream parlor? SANCHO: No. It's a normal restaurant. Well, not a normal restaurant. BOLSA: OK then, we drive to The Purple Cow. SANCHO: I have a bad feeling about this. BOLSA: Be quiet. Don't worry. A fellow as big as you shouldn't be worried about anything. SANCHO: What do you think that there's going to be for me to eat at a place called The Purple Cow? BOLSA: Don't worry about it. It won't kill you to skip a meal.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 13 CARLOTTA: Welcome to The Purple Cow. Would you like smoking or non-smoking? BOLSA: Non-smoking. CARLOTTA: Please follow me. Have a seat. Robin will be your waitress. She'll be right over. Can I start you out with something to drink or an appetizer? BOLSA: Sure, two diet co*kes please. We don't want an appetizer. CARLOTTA: No problem. Robin will be right over to take your order. BOLSA: When our waitress comes, you let me do the talking. SANCHO: I don't see why you get to do the talking. Who found out that William likes to go here? BOLSA: Oh no, is that how it's going to be? You get one little piece of information, and now you're the big dog. SANCHO: I may be big, but I'm not a dog. BOLSA: It's an expression, it means the boss. Don't be so sensitive. Be quiet, here comes the waitress. ROBIN: Yeah? BOLSA: Excuse me. ROBIN: What do you want to eat? BOLSA: How rude! SANCHO: Hello, how are you doing today? ROBIN: I've been working for 8 hours, my feet hurt, my boyfriend dumped me, and the last customer stiffed me and didn't leave a tip. SANCHO: I'm sorry. I'm a vegetarian. ROBIN: That's nice. SANCHO: I mean, what do you have on the menu that's vegetarian? ROBIN: We have a chicken sandwich. SANCHO: I don't eat chicken or beef. ROBIN: We have fish and chips. SANCHO: I don't eat fish. ROBIN: Look, I don't want to play 20 questions. What can you eat? You sure don't look like a picky eater. SANCHO: I like cheese. ROBIN: We have grilled cheese sandwiches. SANCHO: That sounds great. I'll have three grilled cheese sandwiches, a chocolate shake, and some french fries. BOLSA: Don't listen to him. We'll both have salads with french dressing. ROBIN: Are you a vegetarian too? BOLSA: No, I love hamburgers, steak, bacon, ham, sausages, and ribs. But we'll just have two salads please. SANCHO: By the way, do you know William Morningstar? BOLSA: Very subtle. I can see why you're the big dog. ROBIN: Sure I do. He a friend? SANCHO: Well, no. ROBIN: Good. He's a jerk. I'll be right back with your order. SANCHO: See, maybe I am the big dog after all.

BOLSA: She hasn't told us anything yet. SANCHO: Why do you have to be so negative? With you, the glass is always half empty. BOLSA: That's because you already drank half of it. Now be quiet, she's coming back. Let me do the talking.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 14 ROBIN: Two diet co*kes. BOLSA: So how do you know William? ROBIN: None of your business. SANCHO: William is missing. We're trying to help his aunt find him. ROBIN: That's good. His aunt is a nice woman. Well, not exactly nice, but she loves him. I thought you might be working for that jerk Billy Jo Jim Bob. But I'm happy to help Mrs. Morningstar. SANCHO: Thank you very much. We appreciate it. So, how do you know William? ROBIN: I know William from softball. BOLSA: William plays softball? ROBIN: That's a stupid question. How would I know him from softball if he doesn't play softball? SANCHO: Do you know where William might be right now? ROBIN: He used to hang out here, before I cut him. I'll be right back with your food. BOLSA: Aha! We've solved the case. She's the guilty one. You can't keep Bolsa in the dark for long. I've figured it out. She killed William. Now we just have to find the body, and the case is closed. Another success for Latin America's greatest detective. SANCHO: You asked her how she knew William. I believe she told you it was none of your business. So who found out how she knew William? BOLSA: It doesn't matter. The point is that she's the killer. SANCHO: Who found out how she knew William? BOLSA: You did. SANCHO: Maybe you should listen to me more often. BOLSA: Shhh...she's coming back. Just let me do the talking. I'll find out what she did with the body.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 15 ROBIN: Two salads with french dressing. Can I get you anything else, honey? SANCHO: Sure, I'd like a chocolate shake. BOLSA: We don't want anything else. Say, you must have been pretty angry with William. ROBIN: You bet I was. BOLSA: Furious? ROBIN: Absolutely. BOLSA: I bet you were mad enough to cut him and not even feel badly about it. ROBIN: I don't feel badly. I'd do it again. He deserved it. BOLSA: So, would you mind telling us what happened when you cut him? ROBIN: Sure. He had been missing practice a lot, which made me really mad. It wasn't fair to the team. Then he shows up for practice half an hour late, tells me he has to leave town for a few weeks, and I was so mad. How could he treat us like that? It was so selfish. He was letting the whole team down. BOLSA: And that's when you did it. ROBIN: You bet. I told him I was going to cut him from the team. He said, \"You won't cut me. You need me.\" I said, \"You don't think I'll cut you? I'll cut you.\" And I did. I haven't seen him since. I'll be right back with that chocolate shake. BOLSA: We don't need one. SANCHO: Latin America's greatest detective. Hummph.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 16 ROBIN: Here you are. One chocolate shake. Can I get you anything else, sweetie? SANCHO: Thank you. Could you tell me where we might find William? ROBIN: Well, I'm not sure. You could hang around Abraham. Maybe William will show up. BOLSA: Who is Abraham? SANCHO: William's parrot. Shhh. ROBIN: I couldn't take care of Abraham, so William had to give him to the zoo. The kids love him, but William was heartbroken. SANCHO: Thanks very much. We really appreciate your help. ROBIN: You're welcome. Don't worry about the check, honey. It's on the house. ROBIN: And as for you, short stuff, you need to listen to your friend more and not be so bossy. SANCHO: Just one more thing. Do you know why William had to leave town? ROBIN: This creep named Billy Jo Jim Bob was looking for him. William owes him money. So William decided to lay low for a few weeks until he could raise the dough. SANCHO: William was a baker? BOLSA: No honey, it's an expression. Raise the dough means get the money. SANCHO: Thanks very much for your help. Bye-bye. BOLSA: I've figured out how to solve the case. SANCHO: What? BOLSA: I've figured out how to solve the case. Get in the car. On the way to the zoo, I'll tell you all about it. SANCHO: But if you've solved the case, why are we going to the zoo? BOLSA: Just get in the car.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 17 BOLSA: OK. I've got it. We'll trap Mr. Billy Jo Jim Bob. We'll tell him that we've found William, and we'll ask him what he wants us to do. If he doesn't want us to tell William's aunt that we found him, we know that he's up to no good. SANCHO: That's a terrible idea. BOLSA: Why? SANCHO: Because you don't know what he might tell William's mother. He might want to verify the information. He might not want her to get her hopes up. He might want to wait until he knows who did it. BOLSA: Who? SANCHO: Yes, he might want to know who kidnapped William. BOLSA: What? SANCHO: No, not what, who kidnapped William. BOLSA: I understand who. But why do you think William was kidnapped and when? SANCHO: Which do you want to know, why or when? BOLSA: Why? SANCHO: Why do I think William was kidnapped? Because he would have called his aunt to let her know where he was. BOLSA: And when? SANCHO: When do I think William was kidnapped? I think he was kidnapped when he was hiding out, a few days after he dropped out of sight. BOLSA: OK, Mr. Smarty. How? SANCHO: How what? BOLSA: How was William kidnapped? SANCHO: I don't know how. Not yet. BOLSA: You don't know anything. SANCHO: You don't know anything. Calling Billy Jo Jim Bob and saying we found William is a lie. Lying is bad. And it won't tell us anything. It's a bad idea. I think we will have better luck with the parrot. Animals are my friends. I'm sure I can get the parrot to tell us some useful information. BOLSA: He is a parrot! Hello! Can you say parrot? How will a parrot give us any useful information?

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 18 BOLSA: Here we are at the zoo. You let me do the talking. I'll ask this lady at information how we find the parrot. SANCHO: I'm tired of this. Why should you do the talking? BOLSA: Because I do things carefully, slowly, quietly, thoughtfully, and discreetly. I work hard. I work fast. I get up early and get home late. I talk softly and carry a big stick. SANCHO: You are not careful. You don't do things carefully. You are not quiet. You talk all the time. I can't remember the last time you did anything quietly. And I don't see any big stick. BOLSA: You are my big stick. SANCHO: But you couldn't carry me if you tried. BOLSA: It's an expression. Walk softly and carry a big stick means don't threaten, speak nicely, but have lots of strength to back up your position. It's like when you ask someone to move. They look at you. They think, this guy asked nicely, but he's awfully big. Maybe if I don't move, he'll throw me. SANCHO: I wouldn't throw anybody. Here's the information lady. I'm going to talk to her. BOLSA: No, let me. SANCHO: Hello, how are you today? INFORMATION LADY: I'm super, great, terrific, wonderful, amazing, kind, curious, thoughtful, helpful, good-looking, bright, happy... BOLSA: That's wonderful. Look, can you tell us where to find the parrots? INFORMATION LADY: Yes, I can. BOLSA: OK. Will you tell us where to find the parrots? INFORMATION LADY: Yes, I will. BOLSA: OK already, where are the parrots? INFORMATION LADY: You are rude, impolite, thoughtless, mean, pushy, short, unhappy, angry... SANCHO: You have a marvelous gift for words. Are you a writer? INFORMATION LADY: Why yes I am, as a matter of fact. How did you know? SANCHO: We're detectives. Knowing things about people is how we make our living. Could you please be so kind as to tell us where we can find the parrots? INFORMATION LADY: Certainly. Go down the blue monkey trail, turn left at the zebras, go straight past the hippopotami, turn right at the elephants, go past the penguins, and you will find them next to the crocodiles and snakes. SANCHO: You are very kind, decent, nice, thoughtful, helpful, creative, and fun. I hope we can see you again. INFORMATION LADY: Don't mention it my friend. You'll enjoy the parrots. Too bad you won't get a chance to see Abraham the talking parrot.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 19 BOLSA: Why not? Why can't we see Abraham? INFORMATION LADY: Because. SANCHO: We really need to see Abraham. Can you help us? INFORMATION LADY: Sure I can. His owner called and said he was coming at 5:00 today to pick him up. BOLSA: His owner, Mr. William Morningstar? INFORMATION LADY: Yes, that's right. His owner is going to pick him up from the zoo office. That's where Abraham is, at the zoo office. BOLSA: Can you tell us where we can find the office? INFORMATION LADY: Yes, I can. SANCHO: Which is the way to the office please? I'm afraid my friend and I are in a little bit of a hurry. INFORMATION LADY: No problem, dear. It's just across the square, that brown building. SANCHO: Thank you very much, I... BOLSA: Be quiet. Let's go. BOLSA: Hello? Anybody there? SANCHO: There's nobody. Look, there's Abraham. What a sweet birdy you are. And so pretty. Polly want a cookie? BOLSA: It's Polly want a cracker. Besides, what do you think the bird is going to do, tell us where William is? We should just sit here and wait. It's four o'clock now. In an hour, William will be here. We wait, we find him. Case closed. Another success for... ABRAHAM: This is William Morningstar speaking. As of today, I am resigning. Do not bother to look for me and tell Henrietta to make her own liver and onions. BOLSA: It talked. What did it say? SANCHO: Shh. Someone is coming.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 20 SANCHO: Mrs. Morningstar! BOLSA: What are you doing here? SANCHO: Is William with you? BOLSA: Did you already know that William is coming here? SANCHO: How did you know that William is coming here? BOLSA: Do you know that William is coming here? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: How do you know William is coming here? BOLSA: He called the zoo and said he'd be picking up his parrot at 5:00 today. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Some detective. I called the zoo today. I am here to pick up Abraham. Hello, sweetie. Come to mommy. Mommy misses you. You're a good little birdy aren't you? ABRAHAM: This is William Morningstar speaking. As of today, I am resigning. Do not bother to look for me and tell Henrietta to make her own liver and onions. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: William used to threaten to quit the school every other day. It's the only thing that Abraham likes to say. ABRAHAM: Get lost! MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Now sweetie, that's not nice. ABRAHAM: They'll never find me. Squak. They'll never find me. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Anyway, what are you two geniuses doing here? BOLSA: We are looking for William. Is this your parrot? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: No, it's not my parrot. It's William's parrot. He loves his parrot. I think of it as our parrot. Anyway, you are wasting my time. I'm taking the parrot home. Get lost! ABRAHAM: Get lost! MRS. MORNINGSTAR: If you two geniuses want to make yourselves useful, why don't you go to the gym where William worked out. Maybe you'll find something useful there instead of taking the day off to play at the zoo! ABRAHAM: Someone's coming. Hide in the shed! Hide in the shed! MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Oh, shh, mommy's going to take you home right now. Listen to me, you two. I don't know what that Billy Jo Jim Bob told you, but William is a good boy. You make sure you look hard out there for him and report in. And don't come around the house anymore. I don't like visitors. SANCHO: We're sorry, Mrs. Morningstar. We know how to do our job. We won't make an excuse, we'll just do it. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: I do the housework, I do the ironing, I do the dishes, I do William's job, I do the gardening, I do the cooking, I do the shopping. What do you two do besides turn up where you're not wanted? SANCHO: We do plenty. We make decisions, we make plans, we make money, we make an effort, we make people happy, we... MRS. MORNINGSTAR: You make a mess. You make me angry. You make excuses. All this makes me sick with worry. Make me happy, get lost! Come on, Abraham. We're leaving! BOLSA: Ok. No problem. SANCHO: Good bye Mrs. Morningstar. And don't worry, we'll find William.

BOLSA: Thank goodness she's gone. She makes me so mad. SANCHO: But she made one mistake. BOLSA: What are you talking about? SANCHO: She told us where to find William.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 21 BOLSA: Alright, so out with it. SANCHO: Out with what? BOLSA: The secret. SANCHO: What secret? BOLSA: The secret of where to find William. You said that Mrs. Morningstar told us where to find William. So, where is William? SANCHO: William is at home. BOLSA: What are you saying? SANCHO: I'm saying, William is at home. Think about it. She never wants us to come to her house. She told us to stay away and look everywhere but her house. William is hiding at her house. BOLSA: Nonsense. That doesn't make any sense. SANCHO: It does. BOLSA: No it doesn't. SANCHO: Yes it does. We just need to watch her house and wait for William to come out for a lettuce sandwich. BOLSA: Lettuce sandwich? SANCHO: OK, cucumber sandwich, avocado sandwich, onion sandwich, apple sandwich, pear sandwich, it doesn't matter. He will get hungry. BOLSA: He might get hungry, but not for a vegetable sandwich. So, when he goes out for his hamburger, steak, ham, roast beef, bacon, sausage, veal sandwich. SANCHO: Not veal! BOLSA: When he goes out for his sandwich, you are saying we can grab him. SANCHO: Exactly. BOLSA: Not exactly. You are crazy. He is not at home. I have a better idea. SANCHO: Oh, what's your idea? BOLSA: I think that we should go back and see Mr. Billy Joe Jim Bob. We should tell him most of what we know and see if he gives us any more clues. SANCHO: That sounds good. BOLSA: Fine. Let's call him. BILLY JO: Hello. BOLSA: Mr. Christopherson, it's Bolsa. BILLY JO: Latin America's greatest detective. So, have you found William? BOLSA: No, but we'd like to talk to you. Can we come by your office? BILLY JO: No. BOLSA: Why not? BILLY JO: Because I won't be there. I'm leaving right now to go to the post office. I have to mail an important letter. BOLSA: Can we accompany you? BILLY JO: What? BOLSA: Can we come with you?

BILLY JO: No. But I'll meet you afterwards. I have to drop my car off at the shop. It needs an oil change. The shop is at the corner of Clover Avenue and Main Street, 1/2 mile past Crabby's Crab Shack, at 6:00 sharp. BOLSA: Ok. We will be there. Good-bye. BILLY JO: Don't be late. 6:00 Sharp.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 22 SANCHO: What did he say? BOLSA: He said to meet him at 6:00 at the shop. SANCHO: What shop? BOLSA: The car repair shop. SANCHO: 6:00 in the morning? 6:00 AM? BOLSA: No, 6:00 PM, 6:00 in the evening. It's 5:15 right now. That means we have forty-five minutes. The shop is fifteen minutes away, so we have half an hour to kill. SANCHO: I don't believe in killing. BOLSA: It's an expression. Having time to kill means that you need to pass the time. You can have five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes, half an hour, an hour to kill. You read the paper, you play ping pong, you clean your refrigerator, you do something to pass the time. SANCHO: I think we should go back to William's house. BOLSA: Not one more word about that! Be quiet. Keep quiet. Put a sock in it. Close your mouth. Shhh. Silence. Not a peep. Not a word. Not one word. SANCHO: But, I see... BOLSA: Not one word. That's three words. SANCHO: Hmmm. BOLSA: Great. Now I can have some peace to think. SANCHO: Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmm. BOLSA: Hush up, quiet down. I have to think. I have to go back to detective basics. What, when, where, why and who. What is going on here? When did William disappear? Where is he now? Why did he run away? Who is he afraid of? SANCHO: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. BOLSA: Pipe down. Let me think. William has a problem. William has had a problem, but now it's worse. He's having to deal with this problem. He has to find a way to get rid of this problem. He has debts, he owes money. He will have to pay, but he has no way of paying, so he will have to hide out until he has come up with a solution. I'm sure he wishes he had never gotten himself into this situation. He wishes he had never had any debts. SANCHO: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! BOLSA: Ok, what is it? SANCHO: William just passed us and ran down the street! BOLSA: Why didn't you say anything? Let's go.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 23 SANCHO: Run! Quick! Hurry! Faster! Come on! Let's go! Move it! Hustle! Pick up the pace! He's getting away! BOLSA: I can't go any faster. I'm dying. I need a rest. Put me down! Put me down! SANCHO: We can't let William get away! I have to carry you. You're too slow. BOLSA: I'm not a sack of potatoes or a motorcycle! Put me down! This is very undiginfied. What if someone sees me? What will they think? SANCHO: They'll know who carries most of the weight around here. There he is! He's getting into a taxi. Taxi! Taxi! BOLSA: Ahh...thank you for putting me down. Ugh. Ok, there's no taxi around here. What are we going to do? SANCHO: We'll get on this bicycle! BOLSA: That's not a bicycle, that's a tricycle! What are you doing! No! Help! Help me! You're going to kill us! AHHHHHH! SANCHO: Just relax. All we have to do is get to the top of this hill, then it's downhill all the way. BOLSA: I'm dying. Help me. SANCHO: Not one more word about that! Be quiet. Keep quiet. Put a sock in it. Close your mouth. Shhh. Silence. Not a peep. Not a word. Not one word. BOLSA: Look out! Ahhhh.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 24 BOLSA: Mamma? Where am I? I'm blind. I can't see. NURSE: You're in the hospital. You've had an accident. You've pulled the blankets up over your head, that's why you can't see. BOLSA: Will I ever walk again? NURSE: You're fine. But your friend over there, he's banged up a bit. He has some cuts, some bruises, a broken arm, a sprained wrist, a cut thumb and a scraped knee. He needs bandages for the cuts, a cast for the broken arm and... BOLSA: Don't bother. NURSE: What do you mean? BOLSA: I mean, don't bother with all that. NURSE: Why not? BOLSA: Because it will be a waste of time? NURSE: Why? BOLSA: Because when I get up out of this bed I'm going to kill him. Oww! I knew I was hurt. Tell me the truth, how bad is it? NURSE: You got a few bits of glass in your foot from the store window you crashed through, but you'll be fine. SANCHO: Bolsa, are you OK? BOLSA: You! You! Walking catastrophe! Disaster! Plague! How could you? I gave you everything, you give me nothing but grief! I ate your seaweed soup, now I eat hospital food. NURSE: But sir, you'll be out of the hospital in a few minutes. BOLSA: Shh...I'm talking. You stole a bike, I never steal. SANCHO: It was a tricycle. BOLSA: OK, fine. You stole a tricycle. You tore my clothes, you make me tear my hair out. I wore a fine suit, now I wear a hospital gown! You hurt me, you hurt us, you hurt them! NURSE: No one else was injured. BOLSA: Details. You could have hurt them. And the tricycle? I'm sure it'll never be the same again. SANCHO: You are angry. BOLSA: I was angry. Then I got angrier. Now I am the angriest I have ever been. This whole case has gone from bad to worse to the worst ever! I'm so mad. And worst of all, William got away. SANCHO: It's not the worst thing that could have happened. We could have been killed. That would have been worse. BOLSA: What, now you're trying to make me feel better? Don't bother. I'll feel good when we get out of here, better when I've fired you and gotten myself a real assistant and best once this case is solved and I can get my dignity back. SANCHO: You're firing me?

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 25 BOLSA: You bet I am. You're fired. Fired, let go, canned, terminated, your services are no longer required, I am giving you your walking papers, I am giving you the axe. YOU ARE FIRED! SANCHO: But Bolsa, how can you do that? I'm your friend. BOLSA: You were my friend, before you tried to kill me. SANCHO: This is terrible. I'm so sorry. I have never been fired before. Please. I'll make it up to you. BOLSA: No, no, no. I don't need you. I'm going to get (ouch) out of this hospital bed, get out of here and solve this case myself. Good bye Jumbo! And good riddance! SANCHO: Hmm. This is terrible. He'll never be able to solve the case by himself. He couldn't find a polar bear in a porta potty. I have to help him. But how? I know, I'll do some investigating myself. I'll start by using the phone. BILLY JO: Billy Jo Jim Bob here. SANCHO: Hello, Mr. Christoperson. It's Sancho. BILLY JO: Where were you? Where are you? You were supposed to be at the shop at 6:00 sharp yesterday. SANCHO: I'm sorry. We had an accident. BILLY JO: I waited for you for forty-five minutes. SANCHO: Don't worry, no one was seriously hurt. BILLY JO: Have you found William? SANCHO: Yes. BILLY JO: Really? I'm surprised. I knew I was taking a chance with you two, but now I know I was right. I thought you might blow it, but you blew me away! I decided to throw the dice, and I threw them and look what happened. This is great. So where is he? SANCHO: Who? BILLY JO: William, who else. SANCHO: I don't know. BILLY JO: But you said that you found him. SANCHO: We did find him. That is, I found him. BILLY JO: And? SANCHO: And then we lost him. That is, I lost him. BILLY JO: You are making me very angry. Is this too hard for you? I gave you a fairly easy job, just find one man. You find him, which is extremely impressive, but then you lose him, which is exceptionally unimpressive. I'm not impressed. Go find him and don't call back until you do. SANCHO: But Mr. Christopherson, I just have a few questions for you! BILLY JO: I have a question for you! Which part of go find him and don't call back until you do, did you not understand? SANCHO: But! BILLY JO: Go find him and don't call back until you do. Good-bye! BOLSA: That went well. SANCHO: Bolsa! You're back. BOLSA: I'm sorry. I wasn't fair to you. You were trying your best. Let's solve this case together. SANCHO: Great! And I think I know where we can find William!

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 26 BOLSA: Let's get a few things straight. First, I'm sorry I flew off the handle and got angry. That was my fault. SANCHO: And fired me! BOLSA: That was my fault too. Us being in the hospital, that was your fault. William running away from us, that was his fault. William's aunt not being helpful, that was her fault. Us not having found William yet, I guess that's our fault. SANCHO: Don't worry about it. William's fault, Billy Jo's fault, my fault, your fault, it doesn't matter. The important thing now is to find William. Did you see what William was carrying while we were chasing him? BOLSA: No, I was too busy fearing for my life. SANCHO: Well, William was carrying a ticket envelope from The Portable Pelican. BOLSA: The Portable Pelican? What's that, a seafood delivery service? SANCHO: No, it's a travel agency on the corner of Broadway and East Lake Road. BOLSA: How do you know? SANCHO: I know because I walk by there sometimes when they hand out candy samples. They have candies from all over the world, English candies from England, French candies from France, Irish candies from Ireland, Japanese candies from Japan, Chinese candies from China... BOLSA: Is there a point to this? SANCHO: Sure there is. You try some candy from around the world and it makes you want to go and travel there. Plus it's great for building the brand. I remembered them, didn't I? BOLSA: I meant, was there a point to your story? SANCHO: Of course, I told you, I recognize that envelope from The Portable Pelican. We just need to go over there and ask them where William is planning to fly. Here, help me up out of this bed and we can go there. BOLSA: Help you! Help you! I'm injured and you are the size of a subway train! SANCHO: OK, I'll do it myself. Ah, good as new. Let's go over to The Portable Pelican and see if we can't get some answers.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 27 MARJORIE: Perfect piloting, please, place your posterior on a platform. SANCHO: Excuse me? BOLSA: She's telling us to sit down. MARJORIE: Perhaps, possibly, permit me to point out a perfectly priced plane for your plans. BOLSA: Look, we don't want to fly anywhere, we need some information. MARJORIE: Please, pose your problem, I am prepared to proffer properly. SANCHO: What? BOLSA: She says she'll answer our questions. OK, Mr. William Morningstar, do you know him? MARJORIE: Possibly, perhaps, probably. BOLSA: Did he come in here to buy a ticket? MARJORIE: Ah, positively, plans for a plane, purchased from The Portable Pelican. SANCHO: What? BOLSA: She's saying he bought a plane ticket here. SANCHO: Where is he going? MARJORIE: Perhaps the plans for the plane are for another person... BOLSA: So William bought a ticket, but not for himself, so who did he buy it for? MARJORIE: He purchased a plane pass for a person most unpleasant, his aunt. BOLSA: OK. This is a dead end. Well, not really. We know William is buying tickets for his aunt, which means he's not hiding from her. SANCHO: Which means that she knows where he is! At her house, just like I've been telling you. BOLSA: No, Sancho, not yet. Remember back to what Mrs. Morningstar said at the zoo... MRS. MORNINGSTAR: No, it's not my parrot. It's William's parrot. He loves his parrot. I think of it as our parrot. Anyway, you are wasting my time. I'm taking the parrot home. Get lost! ABRAHAM: Get lost! MRS. MORNINGSTAR: If you two geniuses want to make yourselves useful, why don't you go to the gym where William worked out. Maybe you'll find something useful there instead of taking the day off to play at the zoo! ABRAHAM: Someone's coming. Hide in the shed! Hide in the shed! MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Oh, shh, mommy's going to take you home right now. BOLSA: Remember? SANCHO: I completely forgot. Let's go to the gym. BOLSA: Thank you very much for your help. MARJORIE: Oh, you perfectly polite person. Please fix your problem promptly. Perhaps purchases of plane... BOLSA: Good-Bye!

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 28 BOLSA: Here we are at the gym. Try to look natural. Let me do the talking. SANCHO: We talked about this. I want to do the talking. BOLSA: No! Now try to fit in. Go work out. Lift something. SANCHO: OK. BOLSA: Excuse me, but do you know William Morningstar? THE GYM LADY: No. BOLSA: Do you have a gym member named William Morningstar? THE GYM LADY: Hmm...yes. BOLSA: Can you tell me the last time he came in? THE GYM LADY: Yes. BOLSA: When? THE GYM LADY: This morning. BOLSA: Is he still here? THE GYM LADY: No. BOLSA: When did he leave? THE GYM LADY: I dont know. BOLSA: Do you have a record of when he left? THE GYM LADY: No. BOLSA: Do you know anything that might help us find him? THE GYM LADY: No. BOLSA: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? I said to act natural. Are you crazy? SANCHO: You said to lift something. I only have one good arm, so I couldn't lift the whole thing. BOLSA: What are you doing? Are you crazy? SANCHO: It's William's locker. Maybe there's a clue inside. BOLSA: How do you know it's William's locker. SANCHO: Look. It has a sign right on it. William Morningstar. Can you please open this locker for us? THE GYM LADY: Sure. SANCHO: Look, it's empty. BOLSA: Not so fast. Look at the bottom. There's a crumpled up piece of paper. It looks like a letter. What does it say?

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 29 SANCHO: I've got the letter. I'll read it. \"William, you know that you owe me money. Once upon a time, you asked yourself a question, to owe or not to owe, that was the question. And you decided to owe, and you borrowed money from me. Now it's time to pay the money back... to pay or not to pay. That is the question. You had better pay. Or else.\" Signed Billy Jo Jim Bob Christopherson. THE GYM LADY: Are you going to put those lockers back? SANCHO: Sorry. I'll do it right now. BOLSA: Let's go. SANCHO: So what do we do now? I think William is at his aunt's house. Can we go there and look for him? BOLSA: No. No. There's a clue here. We have to think. William owes Billy Jo money. William doesn't pay. Billy Jo sends William this letter. William disappears. SANCHO: So, what are you getting at? BOLSA: If this is all about money, why would Billy Jo pay us $3,000 dollars to find William. What do you think that he's planning to do with William if we find him? SANCHO: Do you think he would hurt William? BOLSA: I don't know. It sure looks that way. I have an idea. BILLY JO: Billy Jo here. BOLSA: It's Bolsa. Look, have you ever met Mrs Morningstar? Do you know what she looks like? BILLY JO: No. I know she's a real tough lady though. Real tough. Scary. BOLSA: Did William tell you that she was a big lady? BILLY JO: No, but it doesn't surprise me. BOLSA: I mean a really big lady, a huge lady. BILLY JO: So what does this have to do with me? BOLSA: Well, she told us she was on her way to see you and she sounded pretty mad. I just wanted to let you know. BILLY JO: Thanks for the warning. BOLSA: We'll call you when we find out more about William. Good-bye. BILLY JO: Good-bye. BOLSA: OK, big boy, come on, lets go. SANCHO: Let's go where? BOLSA: To the dress shop.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 30 BOLSA: Here we are, The Pink Carnation Dress shop. SANCHO: I still don't see why we're at a dress shop. BOLSA: We're at a dress shop because you need to buy a dress. SANCHO: Why do I need to buy a dress? BOLSA: Because you need to wear a dress and no one will rent one to you. SANCHO: Why do I need to wear a dress? I don't wear dresses. BOLSA: I don't wear dresses either. But that's not the point. Do you solve cases? SANCHO: I do. BOLSA: I do too. And in order to solve this case, we have to figure out what is going on between William and Billy Jo Jim Bob. I want to solve this case. SANCHO: So do I, but I don't see what that has to do with me wearing a dress. MADAME LOLOBINGO: Hello, may I help you? BOLSA: Yes, please. We would like to buy a dress. I mean, he would like to buy a dress. MADAME LOLOBINGO: She's a big girl, isn't she. All right, let's measure her up, shall we? Now I'm a master of my craft. MADAME LOLOBINGO: In fact, I am the best dressmaker in all of the United States. Some people are master teachers, some people are great construction workers, some people are fantastic drivers, some people are super cashiers, amazing managers, great salespeople, terrific janitors. I'm an amazing dressmaker. Even so, this is the toughest case I've yet to face. Don't worry sweetie. When I'm finished with you, you'll be the prettiest girl around. SANCHO: I'm not a girl. MADAME LOLOBINGO: What's that, sweetheart. You'll have to speak up. BOLSA: \"I'M NOT A GIRL\" MADAME LOLOBINGO: Of course, you're not a girl. I'm not measuring YOU, silly. SANCHO: Neither am I. MADAME LOLOBINGO: Neither are you what, sweetheart? SANCHO: Neither am I a girl. MADAME LOLOBINGO: Of course you are. You just don't feel feminine in that crazy suit. You wait till I'm done with you, you'll look beautiful. Ah, to be young again. To be honest, my eyesight and hearing are not what they used to be. But I can still make a gorgeous dress for a beautiful, young girl like you. SANCHO: I'M NOT A GIRL. MADAME LOLOBINGO: No, I suppose you're a full-grown woman. Now just take a seat there, while I pick out some nice fabric...

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 31 SANCHO: I feel ridiculous. This is an affront to my dignity. I am a very dignified person. BOLSA: You were a tow truck. SANCHO: I was a careful, considerate, thoughtful, dignified tow truck. I don't like this at all. Everyone has to have dignity. MADAME LOLOBINGO: Oh my darling, this dress of mine, well, I mean this dress of yours, it's spectacular. I've really outdone myself. You're a vision. BOLSA: Hear that, you are a vision. Madame Lolobingo, she loves it. I am proud to buy such a dress for her and make it hers. SANCHO: I am not a her or a she, the dress is not \"her's\" it's \"his\" or rather it's mine. There is no she. I am me. I am a he. She is a she. You are you, whatever you are...definitely not a friend to me. BOLSA: Now, now honey. It's OK. She has a big date, so it makes her all frustrated. How much do we owe you Madame Lolobingo? MADAME LOLOBINGO: Well, let's see, 12 yards of fabric, 2000 stiches, 80 feet of elastic, 32 buttons, I think $3,000 will do it. BOLSA: Excuse me, did you say $3,000? SANCHO: Now look what you've done. All our profit gone and I look like an idiot! Great job! BOLSA: Madame Lolobingo, there must be some mistake. I was thinking that the dress would cost, at the most, $300. At $3,000, I'm afraid we can't take the dress. SANCHO: What? Then I'll never be beautiful. How will I go on my date? I can just see it now. I go to bed, excited about my date. I get up, I yawn, I stretch, I look in the mirror. I smile because I am excited. I curl my hair, I brush my teeth, I shave, I put on my make-up, I... MADAME LOLOBINGO: Oh my dear, you are breaking my heart. Very well, I'll sell you the dress for $1,000. SANCHO: I don't know how to thank you. You've made me so happy. (to Bolsa) Pay her, please honey. BOLSA: I don't know, $1,000 is a lot of money. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. SANCHO: I'll never be beautiful. BOLSA: Oh, fine, fine. Here you are. $1,000. MADAME LOLOBINGO: Thank you very much dear. You look fetching. Now don't forget your hat. Good-bye. BOLSA: Come on dear, we don't want to keep your date waiting.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 32 SANCHO: Don't drive so fast. BOLSA: Why not, you want to take a leisurely drive in your Sunday best? SANCHO: You're making me nervous. BOLSA: Stop fussing, we'll be there in a few minutes. You are a detective. Costumes are just one of the tools of your trade. If you were a carpenter, you'd have a hammer, a wrench, a screwdriver and some pliers. If you were a fireman, you'd have an axe and a firehose. SANCHO: If I had a hammer, I'd hammer... BOLSA: Never mind. Just go up there and scare Billy Jo into telling us what is really going on. SANCHO: How? BOLSA: What do you mean, how? You are at least eight feet tall with that Easter bonnet on your head. You're even scaring me. I'm sure you'll have no trouble. SANCHO: What do I say? BOLSA: Hmmm...I have an idea. No matter what Billy Jo says, just say back to him... \"That's not good enough.\" SANCHO: That's it...\"That's not good enough.\" BOLSA: Well, you might want to mix it up a little. That's not good enough Buddy, that's not good enough, Pal. That sort of thing. SANCHO: Well, OK. If you're sure. How will I know when I've got all the information out of him? BOLSA: Don't worry. You'll know. SANCHO: Why can't you come with me? BOLSA: Because, you're supposed to be William's mother. You're very angry. You want to get to the bottom of this whole situation. You've had enough. You're fed up. You're mad and you're not going to take it anymore. SANCHO: Yeah, I'm mad and I'm not going to take it any more. BOLSA: What's that sound? SANCHO: It's a policeman. What should we do? BOLSA: What should we do? Pull over, that's what we should do. What's wrong with you?

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 33 OFFICER: License and registration, please. BOLSA: Excuse me? OFFICER: License and registration. Please give me your license and registration. And keep your hands in plain view where I can see them. BOLSA: No problem, officer. Here you are. OFFICER: You and your wife were in quite a hurry. BOLSA: Excuse me? OFFICER: You and your wife were in quite a hurry. SANCHO: Oh honey, I told you to slow down. Now look at the mess were in. I'll never get to my appointment. OFFICER: It's OK ma'am. Don't worry. Do you have somewhere important that you have to go? SANCHO: Yes, officer. It's very important. OFFICER: Well, you weren't going very fast and I'd hate to punish such a nice lady as yourself on account of your husband's bad driving. SANCHO: Oh he is a bad driver! I'm always telling him to slow down. Now Leadfoot, maybe you'll listen to me! OFFICER: You know, young man, it's very selfish of you to speed and risk an accident with your poor wife in the car. BOLSA: But officer... SANCHO: That's enough out of you. Haven't you got us into enough trouble already? OFFICER: You know son, I've been married for 30 years. The secret to a good marriage is to be the first to take the blame and the last to do the blaming. Can you understand that? SANCHO: That's wonderful advice. Honey, listen to that man. OFFICER: Well, you look like a perfectly nice couple and you weren't going very fast, so I'm going to let you off with a warning. BOLSA: Thank you, officer. OFFICER: You take care now, young man. And remember what I said. Just be quick to forgive and slow to blame. BOLSA: Yes, I'll remember. Thank you. OFFICER: Good-bye ma'am, have a nice day. BOLSA: If I had a hammer... SANCHO: Now honey, quick to forgive and slow to blame. How are we going to be married for 30 years if you're always so cranky? BOLSA: Be quiet. Not another word out of you. SANCHO: But that's hardly the kind of healthy relationship that will last. BOLSA: Not one more word! Now here we are. Go up there and do what you have to do. SANCHO: Sure honey, no problem. BOLSA: And don't call me honey!

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 34 BILLY JO: Come in! SANCHO: You'd better tell me where William is and quick! BILLY JO: Mrs. Morningstar! What a surprise! What can I do for you? SANCHO: Where's William? BILLY JO: I don't know. SANCHO: That's not good enough. BILLY JO: I really don't. I even hired these two useless detectives to find him, but so far they haven't come up with anything. Those two couldn't find a polar bear in a porta potty. I wish I knew where he was. SANCHO: That's not good enough, buddy. BILLY JO: I know. I know. You know, the truth is that I want William back for my own selfish reasons. SANCHO: That's not good enough, pal. BILLY JO: I know, I know. But I think we'd be happy together. Of course, you don't know what I'm talking about. You see, I like tough women, women who speak their minds, women who aren't afraid to stand up for themselves, women like you. SANCHO: Excuse me? BILLY JO: You're a tough woman, so you can relate to my situation. A good looking woman like you, you must have had to chase the men off with a stick. SANCHO: Excuse me? BILLY JO: Well, I have a tough woman who I'd like to ask on a date. We were getting to be friends, but then I scared William away and now she thinks I'm a creep. SANCHO: Do you really think I'm good looking? I'm sorry, I mean how did you scare William? BILLY JO: He owed me some money. I wrote him a note, saying pay up or else, but it was just a joke. I don't really care about the money. But he ran away and now Robin will never go out with me. SANCHO: Did you say Robin? BILLY JO: Why, you know her? SANCHO: Does Robin work at The Purple Cow? BILLY JO: You do know her. So you know what I mean, what a special woman she is. Special, like you, determined, strong, forceful. You don't know how hard it is to find a woman who knows her own mind. If I could get William to come back, maybe she'd go out with me. SANCHO: So, these thoughtful, intelligent, careful detectives that you hired, did you tell them about the note? BILLY JO: Those clowns? No, I guess I didn't. I probably should have, but it just slipped my mind. Besides, those two aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, so I don't think it would make any difference. Say, Mrs. Morningstar, you're a widow, right? SANCHO: Well, yes. BILLY JO: And a beautiful, kind woman like yourself, all alone, never remarried? SANCHO: No. BILLY JO: Say, I don't think we've been properly introduced. What's your name? SANCHO: My name is Allison, but if I can call you Billy, Billy you can call me Al. BILLY JO: Alright Al, why don't you have a seat and we can get to know each other a little better.

SANCHO: No, that's good enough. Um, I have to be going now. Well, it's nice to see you. BILLY JO: Maybe we can get together and have an ice cream. You look like you like ice cream. SANCHO: No thanks. I'm on a diet. I'm diabetic. I don't like dessert. Bye. BILLY JO: Bye-bye. Come back soon.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 35 BOLSA: So, how did it go? SANCHO: First, I'm going to take off this ridiculous outfit. BOLSA: Fine, fine. But how did it go? SANCHO: No, I'm not saying a word until I get out of this dress. There, that's better. BOLSA: OK, so how did it go? SANCHO: He doesn't know anything. He hired us to find William because of a girl. BOLSA: What? SANCHO: Do you remember Robin, the waitress from The Purple Cow? BOLSA: You mean \"You don't think I'll cut you, I'll cut you\"? That Robin? SANCHO: That's the one. BOLSA: What about her? SANCHO: Billy Jo has a crush on her. He wants her to go on a date with him. She thinks he bullied William into leaving town, so she thinks he's a creep. Billy Jo figures if he finds William, maybe she'll go out with him. BOLSA: That's it? SANCHO: That's it. BOLSA: What about the money? SANCHO: He doesn't care about the money. He just wants William to come back. BOLSA: Why didn't he tell us about the note to William? The one that says pay or else? SANCHO: It slipped his mind. So now what? Now maybe you'll listen to me for once. I told you I knew where William was but you wouldn't listen. All you could think about is getting me into a dress. BOLSA: OK. OK. Where's William? SANCHO: I won't tell you. BOLSA: What? SANCHO: Not until you apologize for not listening to me and promise to be a better partner. BOLSA: I'm sorry. SANCHO: That's not good enough. BOLSA: I'm very sorry. SANCHO: That's not good enough, pal. BOLSA: I'm very sorry and I promise to be a better partner. SANCHO: And listen to me more! BOLSA: And listen to you more. SANCHO: And not be so cranky. BOLSA: And not be so cranky. SANCHO: OK. That's good enough. William is at his mother's house hiding in the shed. BOLSA: How do you know? SANCHO: Abraham the parrot, he told us. BOLSA: And you didn't say anything all this time. Ugh, well, let's drive over there and see if you're right.

Sancho and Bolsa: Scene 36 MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Hello, who is it? BOLSA: It's Francisco Ricardo Herrera De Silva. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Purse. What do you want? BOLSA: We need to talk to you. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Come to the window. BOLSA: Not again. Can you please open the door? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Come to the window or you can leave right now. BOLSA: OK. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: What is it? And why is the Big Guy wearing lipstick? BOLSA: It's a long story. Look, we think William is hiding in your shed. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: What? That shed is full of equipment, mostly things from William's work, some old furniture. He's not there. BOLSA: Mrs. Morningstar, I'm sure you're right. But would it be OK if we looked in the shed? MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Sure, go ahead, look in the shed. Why don't you two make yourselves useful and straighten up a little back there? BOLSA: Come on. SANCHO: William Morningstar. Come on out. It's OK. Billy Jo doesn't care about the money. He just wants a date with Robin from The Purple Cow. BOLSA: Come on out. It's time. SANCHO: Let's go. We need to wrap up this case. BOLSA: If you don't come out, we're coming in. SANCHO: William, if you don't come out right now... WILLIAM: You'll huff and you'll puff and you'll blow my shed in? SANCHO: No, just please come out. WILLIAM: What will you do with me? SANCHO: Nothing. You're free to go. Billy Jo doesn't care about the money. WILLIAM: You mean I've been living in this shed for almost four weeks for nothing? You mean I don't have to fly out of town? SANCHO: It's nice to finally meet you, William. Let's go in and see your mom. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Oh William, I'm so glad to have you home. You two did find him. I'm sorry for anything bad I said about you. You are both great detectives. Let me make you some lunch. MRS. MORNINGSTAR: Hello. BILLY JO: Hello, Mrs. Morningstar. It's Billy Jo Jim Bob. After you left so suddenly, I didn't get a chance to ask you if you want to go to the movies with me this Friday night… The End